The 10 Best of Summer 2004

This morning the T just blew right threw the stop I usually get off at. Well no, it stopped there - it just didn't open the doors. So I walked from the next stop up, and it was all good because it's a gorgeous fucking day here. It's the kind of day that makes you realize you're an idiot for leaving your croquet set at Matt White's place when you left Denver. It's the kind of day that makes you want to leave work at 3 and go sit on someone's roof and drink crappy beer. It's the kind of day that makes you realize the summer blockbusters are almost here, and you should quick shoot your mouth off about them before someone else does!

And with that in mind, here's my annual (I don't know, it might be annual - I can't remember what I was doing this time last year) Top 10 List of the summer movies most likely to not suck! Mother of God, this is fuckin exciting!

It's a tough one this year. Most of the summer movies are gonna suck like the emergency door getting blown off your plane over the Atlantic. And believe me, the Top 10 List of movies that will suck (coming in a few days!) was a lot easier. But there're a few that might not swallow your soul. Just a few. Well, no, ten. And here they are.

10. Hero
Hey, have I told you that Jet Li kicks ass? Yes? Lemme tell you again. With this Zhang Yimou flick, Li finally escapes from under the oppressive yoke (yolk? I dunno. Yeah, yolk) of American directors who don't know when to stop editing and makes the wicked cool martial arts flick that Crouching Tiger wishes it was.
Pros: My bet is that Yimou, who's better known for films that don't have Jet Li in them, will know how to leave the camera alone.
Cons: Nominated for an Oscar last year. Goddamn, I hate Oscar-nominated movies.

9. King Arthur
Honestly I expect this movie to be more or less a loser, but I'm running out of decent movies and the rules are, lists have to have ten things on them. King Arthur makes it on because Fuqua is an extraordinarily talented director, and he will find a way to make at least a couple of scenes wicked cool. The script, by writers John Lee Hancock (the under-rated A Perfect World, but also the crapperific Alamo) and David Franzoni (Gladiator, but also Amistad), will be melodramatic but fairly well-crafted, and the cast is hella good.
When this comes out we're gonna see a lot of reviewers saying "Fuqua seems out of his element in this medieval flick blah blah blah", and what they'll mean is "Fuqua is black and I can't handle a black dude making movies about dead crackers". This is racism and those people are weeners. Training Day was a kickass action movie, and it's perfectly normal for the director of a kickass action movie to move on to a bigger-budgeted action movie, so shut up. Also, Training Day totally had that one white dude in it. It's not Fuqua's fault that this movie won't work.
Pros: Clive Owen! Kiera Knightly! (Mmm!) Stellan Skarsgard!
Cons: Note, this movie is produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, the official slayer of decent movies. Jerry Bruckheimer is to decent movies as The Swan is to little girls growing up healthy.

8. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
Dude! Eyepatches are in! And not a moment too soon.
Everything but the actors was computer generated in this movie, and done so before filming ever started by some college kid who came up with his own technology to do it. (You know how one of your friends in college had a really creepy roommate that spent all his time working on some geek masterpiece that no one understood, and everyone sortof suspected that he was actually just in chat rooms pretending to be a girl? Surprise! He's famous and you work for The Man!) Anyway yes, that sounds totally gay. Sky Captain, like The Village, will either be awesome or it'll totally suck. Call me Mister Brighteyes today; I'm hoping it'll be neat. I still don't regret throwing up in that kid's sock drawer though.
Pros: Seriously, Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow and Angeline Jolie. What are they doing in this movie? They must have a reason, right?
Cons: Generally speaking, I hate CGI - so I don't know what makes me think this won't look like ass.

7. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
I'm going out on a limb here, but I think this is gonna be hilarious. Mainly I think anything involving dodgeball is hilarious. And the thought of Ben Stiller playing an evil dodgeball master...reminds me of Mr. Furious, which is one of his good roles. He's good when he's over-the-top. He's bad when he does that whole Jewish-angst thing, a la Meet the Parents, which is wicked fucking played. Seriously, sometimes I just wanna grab Jewish comedians and smack em around a little. We get it! You Jewish dudes are all neurotic! It was funny ten years ago! Get some new material!
Have you noticed that Seinfeld, Sandler, Jon Stewart and Ben Stiller are basically doing variations on the same shtick? I'm about to get in a fight, aren't I.
Point is, when Ben Stiller goes over the top, which I'm assuming he will to play a bad guy, he's really funny. And if the premise cracks me up this much, can the movie be that bad?
Cons: Answer: yes. I thought the premise of "A Beautiful Mind" was really funny, and I was totally wrong about that.
Pros: Zoolander.

6. The Bourne Supremacy
The Bourne Supremacy was one of the best movies of the summer of 2002, and the sequel will be - while not quite as good - still plenty entertaining. We'll miss Doug Liman, but new director Paul Greengrass has a lot of buzz around him, having just shot the IRA recruitment flick "Bloody Sunday". And it's not like we had any reason to think Doug Liman would kick ass, either. (Oh, shut up. "Go" wasn't that cool.)
Pros: Matt Damon makes really good choices.
Cons: Julia Stiles is still hanging around. Doesn't she have, like, a party to go to or something? The grownups are working, sweetie.

5. Harry Potter and the whatever whatever
I can't remember exactly what this third movie is about, but I know some Mexican dude is directing it. The dude who directed that movie that I didn't see but I heard was sorta hot. So here's what: crazy indie vaguely-lecherous Mexican guy directs the darkest Harry Potter movie yet. C'mon, that's gotta be pretty fun! I predict this will be way better than the first two movies, which were fine but not exactly earth-shattering.
Pros: I love Mexicans, and I hate Chris Columbus. Go to hell, Columbus!
Cons: Still too early to tell if Emma Watson is growing into her looks or out of them.

4. Anchorman
Y'know, I used to hate Will Ferrell. It was that cheerleading shit he did on SNL, or maybe the music-teacher shit. I was just really annoyed by him. But then he did Old School and then he did Elf and now he's clearly on the roll to end all rolls, and Anchorman will continue that roll. You can tell this movie will own just by that moustache he's wearing.
Pros: Will Ferrell is apparently in close communication with God right now. (God says, "That Mel Gibson guy is wacky!")
Cons: There are no cons. We've even got Christina Applegate. No cons.

3. The Village
I almost put M. Night Shymalan's fourth movie on the Worst list, honestly. I had a bad feeling about this movie, and I still have some nagging doubts. The prancing around in yellow robes looking like extras from the Stonehenge bit in Spinal Tap is pretty dubious. But just this morning I saw the latest trailer, and it was much better than the previous ones. One thing's for sure: it won't be "okay". It either deserves its spot here, or it'll deserve the same rank on the Worst list.
Pros: No Mel and no Bruce to stand around looking dour; instead we get Joaquin Phoenix, who can do no wrong.
Cons: Shyamalan is getting increasingly didactic, and he's gotta fuck up someday. If it ain't this one it'll be the next.

2. Spider-Man 2
Spider-Man was a pretty cool movie, although it hasn't aged terribly well. The second outing will benefit from the absence of Willem Dafoe, who clearly loathed himself for taking the paycheck, and Sam Raimi will dare to get a little darker; the first time around he was a little too concerned with proving it wasn't a terrible mistake to give him a big-budget movie. I also predict that I would love to bone the shit out of Kirsten Dunst.
Pros: Great cast, great director.
Cons: Alfred Molina is cool, but Doctor Octopus is still essentially a lame villain.

1. Troy
Much though I hate to agree with Kirsten about anything, the power of Troy is undeniable. Much like the power of those dead hamsters on the Quizno's commercials. Wolfgang Petersen has made his share of earnest, boring, housewife-targeted shlock (Perfect Storm, Outbreak) but he'll pull this one off. And I predict Brad Pitt will swallow his part whole, in a gleefully over-the-top performance that will - weirdly - be the first to prove that he's a real movie star.
Pros: Fight scenes will be kickass.
Cons: Eric Bana and Orlando Bloom are both flamers.

Look out for Kirsten's list, which I've already blown the ending to, sometime soon - and my Worst list, as mentioned above, sometime early next week. Here's a hint: after putting serious thought into putting "Cheer Up", the cheerleader action/comedy with Tommy Lee Jones, on the top spot for both lists, I did not.

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